During a history lesson, a teacher asked a little boy in her third grade class, “What was Abraham Lincoln most famous for?” “Oh, that’s easy,” said the boy, “for chopping down his father’s cherry tree.” But the snickering and giggling that filled the classroom told him immediately that he had gotten the presidents mixed up.
So, when the teacher then asked him, “What did “Abraham” say, when his father asked him to tell the truth?” the little boy quickly responded with, “He said “Father, I cannot tell a lie! George Washington did it!””
Teacher: If you were to say, “I have fifty dollars in my pocket,” would that be past tense, present tense, or future tense?
Student: That would be pretense!
Student: “Teacher!”
Teacher: “Yes?”
Student: “Would you punish me for something I didn’t do?”
Teacher: “Of course not.”
Student: “I didn’t do my homework.”
Teacher: “Can anyone tell me how old the earth is?”
Student: “Oh I know this one! The earth is four billion, five hundred million, and three years old!”
Teacher: “How in the world did you possibly come up with that figure?”
Student: “I’ve taken this class three times now, and the first time I took it, the earth was four billion, five hundred million years old!”
English teacher: “In the English language, two negative words still mean a negative.
For example: ‘There aren’t no potatoes” (although grammatically incorrect) still indicates a negative; i.e.; no potatoes.
In some languages, two negative words indicate a positive, however there is no language in which two positive words indicate a negative.”
Voice from the back of the classroom: “Yeah, right!”
John grew up in the Appalachian mountains and had very little education, until he met, and fell in love with a brilliant woman with several college degrees. Although they loved each other dearly, she took to habitually correcting his down-to-earth vernacular, insisting, instead, that he use terms that sounded more ‘sophisticated.’
One day, an old friend from the hills came to visit, and when John introduced him to his wife as “Billy,” she corrected her husband by insisting, “It’s actually “William,” isn’t it?”
John said, “I’m not lying, Billie – William – It sure is good to see you!” To which his wife interjected, “Don’t say, “lying;” say “prevaricating.” “Well, come sit by the fire, and we can swap a few tales!” said John. “They’re not “tales,” John; they’re “anecdotes”” his wife corrected again. Finally, as it got late, and his guest had to leave, John said to his wife, “I’ll just put out the fire and come to bed.” “It would sound so much nicer if you would say, “extinguish” the fire, John!” his wife scolded.
After they had been asleep for a while, John’s wife was awakened by a noise, and discovered that John was just returning to bed. “What’s wrong?” she asked. “Oh it’s nothing,” said John. “It was just a William goat that came in to prevaricate by the fire. So I grabbed him by the anecdote, and extinguished him!”
Science teacher: “Explain the second law of thermodynamics.”
Student: “I never cared for it much, but as long as it’s on the books I guess I must obey it.”
The Joke Pile 
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them!!
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During a history lesson, a teacher asked a little boy in her third grade class, “What was Abraham Lincoln most famous for?” “Oh, that’s easy,” said the boy, “for chopping down his father’s cherry tree.” But the snickering and giggling that filled the classroom told him immediately that he had gotten the presidents mixed up.
So, when the teacher then asked him, “What did “Abraham” say, when his father asked him to tell the truth?” the little boy quickly responded with, “He said “Father, I cannot tell a lie! George Washington did it!””
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Teacher: Use the word dandelion in a sentence.
Student: The cheetah is faster dandelion.
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Teacher: Use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Student: I have nine buttons on my jacket, but I can only fascinate.
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And wouldn’t a 7-letter-word with 3 U’s in it be unusual?
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Those who can, do;
Those who can’t, teach;
Those who can’t teach, teach gym.
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Teacher: If you were to say, “I have fifty dollars in my pocket,” would that be past tense, present tense, or future tense?
Student: That would be pretense!
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Student: “Teacher!”
Teacher: “Yes?”
Student: “Would you punish me for something I didn’t do?”
Teacher: “Of course not.”
Student: “I didn’t do my homework.”
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Then their was the cross-eyed teacher, who couldn’t control her pupils!
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Teacher: “Can anyone tell me how old the earth is?”
Student: “Oh I know this one! The earth is four billion, five hundred million, and three years old!”
Teacher: “How in the world did you possibly come up with that figure?”
Student: “I’ve taken this class three times now, and the first time I took it, the earth was four billion, five hundred million years old!”
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Teacher: “Which do you think is worse; ignorance or apathy?”
Student: “I don’t know and I don’t care!”
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I was going to major in chemistry – but the chemistry lab was clear across the campus from the snack bar.
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English teacher: “In the English language, two negative words still mean a negative.
For example: ‘There aren’t no potatoes” (although grammatically incorrect) still indicates a negative; i.e.; no potatoes.
In some languages, two negative words indicate a positive, however there is no language in which two positive words indicate a negative.”
Voice from the back of the classroom: “Yeah, right!”
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What popular snack food is strictly forbidden while taking college entrance exams?
Cheetos!
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What’s another word for “synonym?”
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John grew up in the Appalachian mountains and had very little education, until he met, and fell in love with a brilliant woman with several college degrees. Although they loved each other dearly, she took to habitually correcting his down-to-earth vernacular, insisting, instead, that he use terms that sounded more ‘sophisticated.’
One day, an old friend from the hills came to visit, and when John introduced him to his wife as “Billy,” she corrected her husband by insisting, “It’s actually “William,” isn’t it?”
John said, “I’m not lying, Billie – William – It sure is good to see you!” To which his wife interjected, “Don’t say, “lying;” say “prevaricating.” “Well, come sit by the fire, and we can swap a few tales!” said John. “They’re not “tales,” John; they’re “anecdotes”” his wife corrected again. Finally, as it got late, and his guest had to leave, John said to his wife, “I’ll just put out the fire and come to bed.” “It would sound so much nicer if you would say, “extinguish” the fire, John!” his wife scolded.
After they had been asleep for a while, John’s wife was awakened by a noise, and discovered that John was just returning to bed. “What’s wrong?” she asked. “Oh it’s nothing,” said John. “It was just a William goat that came in to prevaricate by the fire. So I grabbed him by the anecdote, and extinguished him!”
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One way that high schools could save some money would be to hold driver training and sex education classes in the same car!
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Teacher: Use the word, “fortification” in a sentence.
Student: Fortification, we spend two weeks in the Catskills.
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Teacher: Name the 4 seasons.
Student: Salt, pepper, mustard, and ketchup.
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I hate circles.
They’re pointless.
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Teacher: Use the word, “officiate” in a sentence.
Student: We had lunch at a seafood restaurant, and my brother got sick because of officiate.
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Teacher: Use the word “gruesome” in a sentence.
Student: My dad quit shaving, and he gruesome whiskers!
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Science teacher: “Explain the second law of thermodynamics.”
Student: “I never cared for it much, but as long as it’s on the books I guess I must obey it.”
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