50 thoughts on “MISCELLANEOUS

  1. I found an add on a match book for learning mental telepathy by correspondence; Send $29.95 to the ‘school,’ it said.
    So I did, but after hearing nothing for a couple of months, I called the number on the match book to complain.
    “We sent the first lesson by telepathy!” said the voice on the phone. “Well I never received it!” I said.
    To which the voice replied, “Yes, we know; you’re failing the course!”

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Greetings!
    You have just reached the world’s greatest psychic!
    I already know who you are, and why you called, however, disbelievers may experience periods of skeptical distortion in the psychic cosmos, resulting in a beeping noise; in which case you may leave a message in the old-fashioned way.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. A man encountered a pirate with a patch over his right eye, and a hook in place of his right hand. “What happened to your hand?” he asked the pirate. “Shark bit it off!” said the pirate. “What about your eye?”said the man. “Bird pooped in it!” “That put your eye out?” asked the man. The pirate raised his arm towards his face and said, Well, it was my first day with the hook!”

    Liked by 1 person

  4. When the usher noticed a man stretched across three seats in the movie theater, he walked over and whispered, “Sorry sir, but you are allowed only one seat.”
    The man moaned but didn’t budge.
    “Sir,” the usher said more loudly, “if you don’t move, I’ll have to call the manager.”
    The man moaned again but stayed where he was.
    The usher left and returned with the manager who, after several attempts at dislodging the fellow, called the police.
    The cop looked at the reclining man and said, “All right, what’s your name, joker?”
    “Joe,” he mumbled.
    “And where are you from, Joe?”
    Joe responds painfully, “The balcony!”

    Liked by 1 person

  5. A man wanted to join a monastery, where they sold fish and chips to sustain themselves financially. When the man in charge told him to report to the man in the kitchen, he went there, and asked the first man he saw, “Are you the fish friar?” to which the man replied, “No, I’m the chip monk!”

    Liked by 1 person

  6. A 17th century French philosopher named Rene Descartes coined the phrase, “I think; therefore I am”.
    However, later that day, in a cafe, a waitress asked Descartes if he’d like some more coffee, to which he replied, “I think not,” and he hasn’t been seen since!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Two men go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment – the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. The first day they go fishing, but they don’t catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish. As they’re driving home they’re really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says,

    “Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?”

    The other guy says, “Wow! Then it’s a good thing we didn’t catch any more!”


  8. A man called 911: “I just found a dead man laying in the street!” he told the operator. Are you sure he’s dead?” she asked. “I think so.” said the caller. “Well, you need to be sure.” she told him. “Just a minute!” the man said, and then, after a brief silence, a gunshot was heard. “Okay!” The man shouted, “I’m sure he’s dead now! What shall I do?” “What street are you on?” asked the operator. “Constantinople Boulevard,” replied the caller. “Can you spell that for me?” she asked. The man thought for a moment, and then asked, “How about I just drag him over to Elm Street?”

    Liked by 1 person

  9. During his ‘orientation,’ a newly-arrived prison inmate was issued a joke book in which the jokes were all numbered. Then, at meal time, he heard a prisoner shout, “Thirty seven!” and the entire dining room erupted with laughter! Moments later, another prisoner shouted, “Ninety four!” and again, the hall was filled with laughter. This went on throughout the meal.
    Some time later, his new cell-mate explained that conversation in the mess hall was strictly limited to an absolute minimum. So the prisoners memorized all the jokes in the book by their numbers, which they would then shout out during meal time.
    The new prisoner was eager to join in, and quickly memorized several of the jokes in the book. Then at breakfast one morning, he shouted, “Forty two!” But nobody laughed. “Forty two!” he repeated again – and a third time – but the hall remained silent. Before he could try again, the man sitting next to him said, “Give it up, buddy!” “Some people just don’t know how to tell a joke!”

    Liked by 1 person

  10. As two drunks were walking along a railroad track, one of them remarked, “This is the longest stairway I’ve ever been on!”
    “I know what you mean!” said his friend. “But why did they make these banisters so low?”


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