MISCELLANEOUS Advertisements Share this:TwitterFacebookGoogleLike this:Like Loading... 50 thoughts on “MISCELLANEOUS” Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It’s very time-consuming!! LikeLiked by 1 person Reply There’s a remote tribe in the Amazon rainforest that worships the number zero. Is nothing sacred? LikeLiked by 1 person Reply Me: Do you think it is strange to talk to yourself? Me: No, not at all! LikeLiked by 1 person Reply I don’t mean to brag, but… I just put a puzzle together in 1 day and the box said 2-4 years! LikeLiked by 1 person Reply Do you know what percentage of Americans will admit it, when they don’t know something? I don’t know! LikeLiked by 1 person Reply I found an add on a match book for learning mental telepathy by correspondence; Send $29.95 to the ‘school,’ it said. So I did, but after hearing nothing for a couple of months, I called the number on the match book to complain. “We sent the first lesson by telepathy!” said the voice on the phone. “Well I never received it!” I said. To which the voice replied, “Yes, we know; you’re failing the course!” LikeLiked by 1 person Reply If Paul Revere had been a Tory instead of a Patriot, he would have rode through Boston yelling “Go back to bed! Go back to bed!” LikeLiked by 1 person Reply What did Washington say to his men just before they crossed the Delaware? “Get in the boat!” LikeLiked by 1 person Reply What is the state flower of Washington state? Mildew! LikeLiked by 1 person Reply What did Paul Revere say when he finished his famous ride? “Whoa!” LikeLiked by 1 person Reply What do retired Aryan soldiers become? Veteran Aryans. LikeLiked by 1 person Reply There are three kinds of people in the world: those who can count; and those who can’t. LikeLiked by 1 person Reply Greetings! You have just reached the world’s greatest psychic! I already know who you are, and why you called, however, disbelievers may experience periods of skeptical distortion in the psychic cosmos, resulting in a beeping noise; in which case you may leave a message in the old-fashioned way. LikeLiked by 1 person Reply What is the term for returning in the next life as a hillbilly? Reintarnation! LikeLiked by 1 person Reply There was a Summer in Kansas, a few years back, when it got so hot that the corn in the fields started to pop! Some of those old farmers thought it was snow and they froze to death! LikeLiked by 1 person Reply A man encountered a pirate with a patch over his right eye, and a hook in place of his right hand. “What happened to your hand?” he asked the pirate. “Shark bit it off!” said the pirate. “What about your eye?”said the man. “Bird pooped in it!” “That put your eye out?” asked the man. The pirate raised his arm towards his face and said, Well, it was my first day with the hook!” LikeLiked by 1 person Reply When the usher noticed a man stretched across three seats in the movie theater, he walked over and whispered, “Sorry sir, but you are allowed only one seat.” The man moaned but didn’t budge. “Sir,” the usher said more loudly, “if you don’t move, I’ll have to call the manager.” The man moaned again but stayed where he was. The usher left and returned with the manager who, after several attempts at dislodging the fellow, called the police. The cop looked at the reclining man and said, “All right, what’s your name, joker?” “Joe,” he mumbled. “And where are you from, Joe?” Joe responds painfully, “The balcony!” LikeLiked by 1 person Reply A man wanted to join a monastery, where they sold fish and chips to sustain themselves financially. When the man in charge told him to report to the man in the kitchen, he went there, and asked the first man he saw, “Are you the fish friar?” to which the man replied, “No, I’m the chip monk!” LikeLiked by 1 person Reply There’s no shade in this area for miles. The trees are so far apart that the woodpeckers have to carry a lunch! LikeLiked by 1 person Reply If you give a man a fish, he will eat for a day, but if you teach him how to fish, you’ll show him a way to drink more beer! LikeLiked by 1 person Reply What do you call a boomerang that won’t return when you throw it? A stick! LikeLiked by 1 person Reply What did the beach say when the tide came in? Long time so sea! LikeLiked by 2 people Reply What did Tennessee? The same thing Arkansas! LikeLiked by 2 people Reply When weeding the garden, how can you tell the flowers from the weeds? Pull everything up, and whatever grows back is a weed! LikeLiked by 1 person Reply What fruits do twins like best?! Pears LikeLiked by 2 people Reply If April showers bring May flowers; what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims! LikeLiked by 2 people Reply Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That’s just how I roll. LikeLiked by 2 people Reply Whoever invented the “knock-knock jokes” should get a no-bell prize. LikeLiked by 2 people Reply Never trust an atom, they make up everything! LikeLiked by 2 people Reply A 17th century French philosopher named Rene Descartes coined the phrase, “I think; therefore I am”. However, later that day, in a cafe, a waitress asked Descartes if he’d like some more coffee, to which he replied, “I think not,” and he hasn’t been seen since! LikeLiked by 1 person Reply LikeLiked by 1 person Reply “Never put off until tomorrow, that which you can put off until day-after-tomorrow!” LikeLiked by 1 person Reply Did you here the one about the piece of paper? Never mind; it’s tearable! LikeLiked by 1 person Reply Two men go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment – the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. The first day they go fishing, but they don’t catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish. As they’re driving home they’re really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, “Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?” The other guy says, “Wow! Then it’s a good thing we didn’t catch any more!” LikeLike Reply The latest IRS proposal for an ultimately simplified tax form only has two lines: A. List all of your gross income for the past year. B. Send it in. LikeLiked by 1 person Reply A man called 911: “I just found a dead man laying in the street!” he told the operator. Are you sure he’s dead?” she asked. “I think so.” said the caller. “Well, you need to be sure.” she told him. “Just a minute!” the man said, and then, after a brief silence, a gunshot was heard. “Okay!” The man shouted, “I’m sure he’s dead now! What shall I do?” “What street are you on?” asked the operator. “Constantinople Boulevard,” replied the caller. “Can you spell that for me?” she asked. The man thought for a moment, and then asked, “How about I just drag him over to Elm Street?” LikeLiked by 1 person Reply I don’t believe in astrology because I’m an Aries, and therefore, I’m not supposed to be gullible. LikeLiked by 1 person Reply Which one of King Arthur’s knights actually designed the legendary round table? Sir Cumference, of course! LikeLiked by 1 person Reply In the days when pirates terrorized the seven seas, they would often have their ears pierced, at a cost of two dollars; one dollar for each ear. And that is why a pirate is called, a “buccaneer!” LikeLiked by 1 person Reply Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants? In case they get a hole-in-one! LikeLiked by 1 person Reply Why was the calendar depressed? Because its days were numbered. LikeLiked by 1 person Reply I just don’t believe experts who claim that opera is actually much better than it sounds. LikeLiked by 1 person Reply During his ‘orientation,’ a newly-arrived prison inmate was issued a joke book in which the jokes were all numbered. Then, at meal time, he heard a prisoner shout, “Thirty seven!” and the entire dining room erupted with laughter! Moments later, another prisoner shouted, “Ninety four!” and again, the hall was filled with laughter. This went on throughout the meal. Some time later, his new cell-mate explained that conversation in the mess hall was strictly limited to an absolute minimum. So the prisoners memorized all the jokes in the book by their numbers, which they would then shout out during meal time. The new prisoner was eager to join in, and quickly memorized several of the jokes in the book. Then at breakfast one morning, he shouted, “Forty two!” But nobody laughed. “Forty two!” he repeated again – and a third time – but the hall remained silent. Before he could try again, the man sitting next to him said, “Give it up, buddy!” “Some people just don’t know how to tell a joke!” LikeLiked by 1 person Reply How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? It only takes one, but it takes a long time, and the light bulb has to want to change! LikeLike Reply What do you call dynamite going off on a kitchen floor? “Linoleum blown-apart!” LikeLike Reply What do you call a suitcase made out of road-kill? Carrion luggage. LikeLike Reply What do you call a path through a strawberry patch? “The strawberry shortcut!” LikeLike Reply “If at first you don’t succeed….” Think of it this way: You failed! LikeLike Reply As two drunks were walking along a railroad track, one of them remarked, “This is the longest stairway I’ve ever been on!” “I know what you mean!” said his friend. “But why did they make these banisters so low?” LikeLike Reply Gravity: Not just a good idea: it’s the LAW! LikeLike Reply Leave a Reply Cancel reply Enter your comment here... Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Email (required) (Address never made public) Name (required) Website You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. ( Log Out / Change ) You are commenting using your Google+ account. ( Log Out / Change ) You are commenting using your Twitter account. ( Log Out / Change ) You are commenting using your Facebook account. ( Log Out / Change ) Cancel Connecting to %s Notify me of new comments via email.