A new pastor moved into a town, and he went out one day to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came upon this one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times. Finally he took out his card, wrote on the back “Revelation 3:20” and stuck it on the back of the door. Revelation 3:20: “Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me.”
Later in the week, as he was counting the offering, he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was the notation “Genesis 3:10.”
Genesis 3:10: “And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked: so I hid myself.”
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, “Stop! Acts 2:38 (Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.) The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, “Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.” “Scripture?” replied the burglar. “She said she had an ax and two 38’s!”
A teenage boy asked a priest, “Father, can I ask you a question about what’s going to happen after you die?” “Certainly, my son,” said the priest, “and I’ll do my very best to answer it.” To which the boy asked simply, “Who’s going to get your car?”
Parishioner: “Bless me father, for I have sinned. It’s been ten years since my last confession.”
Priest: “Why has it been so long, my child?”
Parishioner: “I’ve been good!”
The Joke Pile 
A new pastor moved into a town, and he went out one day to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came upon this one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times. Finally he took out his card, wrote on the back “Revelation 3:20” and stuck it on the back of the door. Revelation 3:20: “Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me.”
Later in the week, as he was counting the offering, he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was the notation “Genesis 3:10.”
Genesis 3:10: “And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked: so I hid myself.”
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An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, “Stop! Acts 2:38 (Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.) The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, “Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.” “Scripture?” replied the burglar. “She said she had an ax and two 38’s!”
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If we come from dust and return to dust, then someone under my bed is either coming or going!
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Why are there no weddings in heaven?
There’s nobody there, to perform the ceremony!
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And if I don’t pay my exorcist, will I get re-possessed?
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A teenage boy asked a priest, “Father, can I ask you a question about what’s going to happen after you die?” “Certainly, my son,” said the priest, “and I’ll do my very best to answer it.” To which the boy asked simply, “Who’s going to get your car?”
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I’m a ‘Zen Catholic;’ I believe that the entire universe is an illusion – and it’s all my fault!
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I used to be an agnostic…. But now I’m not so sure.
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If you took all of the people who fall asleep in church on Sunday, and laid them end to end – they’d be a lot more comfortable!
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Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac?
He laid awake every night, wondering if there really is a ‘dog.’
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Parishioner: “Bless me father, for I have sinned. It’s been ten years since my last confession.”
Priest: “Why has it been so long, my child?”
Parishioner: “I’ve been good!”
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