A doctor, whose office was in a high-rise building, would stop by the lounge on the first floor every day at precisely 4:30 pm. The doctor was fond of daiquiris – especially with chopped almonds in them. So every day, Dick, the bartender, would have an almond daiquiri already mixed and waiting for him.
Then one day, as Dick was about to mix the drink, he discovered that he had run out of almonds, but he found a bag of hickory nuts behind the bar, so he chopped up a few, and substituted them when he mixed the drink.
The doctor showed up right on time, and as soon as he tasted the drink, he asked, “Is this an almond daiquiri, Dick?” To which Dick replied, “No, it’s a hickory daiquiri, Doc!”
A very large, very drunk women walks into a bar with a duck under her arm.
“We don’t allow pigs in here!” said the bartender.
“It’s not a pig, stupid, it’s a duck!” shouted the woman.
To which the bartender replied, “I was talking to the duck!”
A grasshopper walks into a bar and asks the bartender to recommend a drink. “I’ve got just the thing!” says the bartender. “We actually have a drink named after you!” “Really?” asks the grasshopper. “Why in the world would anybody name a drink, “Bob?””
Many years after high school, two former classmates happened to encounter each other in a bar one evening, and as they spoke of their lives since high school, one of them revealed that he had become a religious faith healer. When the other man mentioned that his father was very sick, the faith healer insisted, “No, he just THINKS he’s sick!” “I’m not so sure.” said the man, “He’s in a coma.” “I’m telling you,” said the faith healer, “He just THINKS he’s in a coma!” But the man was not convinced. A few days later, they happened to meet in the same bar, and the faith healer asked, “How’s your father? Does he still THINK he’s sick?” “No,” said the man. “I told you!” said the faith healer. But the man shook his head sadly and said, “Now he THINKS he’s dead!”
(True story): After Kelly’s Bar completely annihilated Noah’s Pub with a huge point spread in a grueling back-yard horseshoe tournament (between just the two saloons), Noah’s posted the results on their front window for all to see: “Noah’s Pub finished second, and Kelly’s Bar finished next to last!”
The Joke Pile 
Three blondes walked into a bar…
You’d think ONE of them would have seen it!
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A doctor, whose office was in a high-rise building, would stop by the lounge on the first floor every day at precisely 4:30 pm. The doctor was fond of daiquiris – especially with chopped almonds in them. So every day, Dick, the bartender, would have an almond daiquiri already mixed and waiting for him.
Then one day, as Dick was about to mix the drink, he discovered that he had run out of almonds, but he found a bag of hickory nuts behind the bar, so he chopped up a few, and substituted them when he mixed the drink.
The doctor showed up right on time, and as soon as he tasted the drink, he asked, “Is this an almond daiquiri, Dick?” To which Dick replied, “No, it’s a hickory daiquiri, Doc!”
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Past, present and future walk into a bar.
It was tense.
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A very large, very drunk women walks into a bar with a duck under her arm.
“We don’t allow pigs in here!” said the bartender.
“It’s not a pig, stupid, it’s a duck!” shouted the woman.
To which the bartender replied, “I was talking to the duck!”
LikeLiked by 1 person
A grasshopper walks into a bar and asks the bartender to recommend a drink. “I’ve got just the thing!” says the bartender. “We actually have a drink named after you!” “Really?” asks the grasshopper. “Why in the world would anybody name a drink, “Bob?””
LikeLiked by 1 person
Many years after high school, two former classmates happened to encounter each other in a bar one evening, and as they spoke of their lives since high school, one of them revealed that he had become a religious faith healer. When the other man mentioned that his father was very sick, the faith healer insisted, “No, he just THINKS he’s sick!” “I’m not so sure.” said the man, “He’s in a coma.” “I’m telling you,” said the faith healer, “He just THINKS he’s in a coma!” But the man was not convinced. A few days later, they happened to meet in the same bar, and the faith healer asked, “How’s your father? Does he still THINK he’s sick?” “No,” said the man. “I told you!” said the faith healer. But the man shook his head sadly and said, “Now he THINKS he’s dead!”
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(True story): After Kelly’s Bar completely annihilated Noah’s Pub with a huge point spread in a grueling back-yard horseshoe tournament (between just the two saloons), Noah’s posted the results on their front window for all to see: “Noah’s Pub finished second, and Kelly’s Bar finished next to last!”
LikeLike